do u ever feel like a plastic bag
Sept 17, 2015 12:46:45 GMT -5
Post by Teja on Sept 17, 2015 12:46:45 GMT -5
Teja had grabbed a drink to go, but she'd probably overexerted herself for someone who had essentially had blood drawn - without being asked, without being offered a choice, she might have added - and by the time she got home she was more than a little bit light-headed and nauseous. She staggered into the living room and sank into a chair, shutting her eyes and curling up in desperate unhappiness.
A voice in her head was being very nasty.
If you hadn't wanted it you wouldn't have gone upstairs. If you hadn't wanted it you wouldn't have stayed there, and kissed him, and taken your clothes off, and said obscene things, and spread your legs, and altogether you can't do all of those things and enjoy yourself only to decide later that you didn't like it and you changed your mind. We all know you're lying.
Another voice in her head was trying to be reasonable.
So he frightened you a few times, and he didn't really allow you to say no, but when you did say no, didn't he listen? So you didn't get a chance to tell him you didn't want to see him again, obviously you changed your mind! So you didn't get a chance to say you wanted things to go back to how they were before - why be so frightened of next time? You did it once, you can't back out now.
But the most truthful voice was a tiny, tiny one right in her ear, her frail nervous heartbeat speaking directly to her: Even though I somewhat liked him, even though I was aroused, even though all of that happened, I don't want to see him ever again. He was kind, and he likes me, he might really love me, and that makes him more frightening and repellent to me than he was when he was merely off-putting. I wish he didn't exist. I wish I'd wake up and this had been a dream. I wish I hadn't given myself to him.
She hadn't realized she'd slid her hands under her hair, her nails digging into the skin at her temples hard as she gripped her head. She just wanted this to be undone, and the wave of guilt and shame and horror to go away.
A voice in her head was being very nasty.
If you hadn't wanted it you wouldn't have gone upstairs. If you hadn't wanted it you wouldn't have stayed there, and kissed him, and taken your clothes off, and said obscene things, and spread your legs, and altogether you can't do all of those things and enjoy yourself only to decide later that you didn't like it and you changed your mind. We all know you're lying.
Another voice in her head was trying to be reasonable.
So he frightened you a few times, and he didn't really allow you to say no, but when you did say no, didn't he listen? So you didn't get a chance to tell him you didn't want to see him again, obviously you changed your mind! So you didn't get a chance to say you wanted things to go back to how they were before - why be so frightened of next time? You did it once, you can't back out now.
But the most truthful voice was a tiny, tiny one right in her ear, her frail nervous heartbeat speaking directly to her: Even though I somewhat liked him, even though I was aroused, even though all of that happened, I don't want to see him ever again. He was kind, and he likes me, he might really love me, and that makes him more frightening and repellent to me than he was when he was merely off-putting. I wish he didn't exist. I wish I'd wake up and this had been a dream. I wish I hadn't given myself to him.
She hadn't realized she'd slid her hands under her hair, her nails digging into the skin at her temples hard as she gripped her head. She just wanted this to be undone, and the wave of guilt and shame and horror to go away.