sure so sure of love
Mar 18, 2014 3:34:30 GMT -5
Post by Adrien Baillon on Mar 18, 2014 3:34:30 GMT -5
Adrien, in jeans, trainers, a tank top, and a zipped-up jacket, for windchill, though it was actually quite warm out, was riding down the street on a scooter, her hair fluffed up. Her hair or his hair. Adrien was becoming less and less sure of what he wanted to identify as these days. Some days, he found himself wanting to correct Steve on his pronouns, and stopped, remembering about his new body. Other days everything was fine. But sometimes, somehow, even feeling very "she", Adrien missed the body he'd had before.
Nothing was certain, and this, well, this had been supposed to make him certain. Maybe there was something very truly wrong with him. In a way, it had been less complicated living with Adrian. Adrian thought of him as deviant and so did he. It had been nice for a while having everyone say he was valid and so on, but now it just made him more confused. If his feelings were valid, they oughta at least make sense.
The weight of this thought was on him often lately, as he increasingly found himself wanting to go back to Loki and bargain something out. Keep some of it, maybe? Exchange it for something else? But the idea of being a genuine mix of sexual characteristics was scary in and of itself. Nothing made him more frightened of this than the prospect of explaining it to Steve.
It was a sign of Steve's devotion that Adrien had these thoughts without even considering him until the very end. If he made that decision, surely when returning to Steve changed, Steve would accept him. But their lives would surely change. Would Steve lose attraction to him even if he loved him regardless? Adrien knew it was selfish to want everything, but Adrien loved being able to bring Steve bliss. Adrien had never had a partner that wasn't attracted to him to an inordinate degree; he was used to being considered marvelously beautiful, and didn't plan to give it up. It was nice to have a partner that didn't want him to craft himself to their taste - more nice than Adrien could have guessed, since being what his past lovers had desired - even, no, especially Adrian - had given him so much pleasure in the past. He didn't think he wanted to give it up or have Steve start dictating. But...
Yes, he truly believed Steve would accept him as a boy. Possibly even continue to make love to him. But would he enjoy it? Would he regret it and never express that regret because he was so darn good? Possibly too. No, it was too frustrating.
Ah, Adrien had arrived at the destination. Time to drop the inner monologue.
She hopped off the scooter, folded it up, and slipped her backpack off her slim shoulder easily, put it inside, zipped it up. Shrugging it back up again, and unzipping her jacket a lil bit, she headed into the outdoor cafe.
She could see Steve from behind, all close-cropped golden hair and the nape of his neck and broad, broad shoulders, bent over, probably drawing something in a sketchbook. The greatest thing she had come to love about being a woman was not always personal, and in many ways it was the simple blessing of being able to do quite arbitrarily romantic things without any kind of bother. Even the worst PDA received a shrug and avoidance whereas even a hint of homosexuality could get you in loads of trouble. After a long, long time of secrecy, with men entirely too concerned with their reputations - oh, Adrian had been quite terrible and frightening for a long time of that relationship, until November - Adrien relished being able to do what she was about to now.
She came up behind Steve, touching his shoulder warmly and bending to kiss him on the neck, and then, when he looked up, looped her leg over his waist and straddled him - feet dangling - leaning in to give him a kiss.
Sure, she could have kissed him and then sat down in the opposite chair, but heterosexuality had a great many advantages and being obnoxious and throwing your relationship in everybody's faces was the best one.
Nothing was certain, and this, well, this had been supposed to make him certain. Maybe there was something very truly wrong with him. In a way, it had been less complicated living with Adrian. Adrian thought of him as deviant and so did he. It had been nice for a while having everyone say he was valid and so on, but now it just made him more confused. If his feelings were valid, they oughta at least make sense.
The weight of this thought was on him often lately, as he increasingly found himself wanting to go back to Loki and bargain something out. Keep some of it, maybe? Exchange it for something else? But the idea of being a genuine mix of sexual characteristics was scary in and of itself. Nothing made him more frightened of this than the prospect of explaining it to Steve.
It was a sign of Steve's devotion that Adrien had these thoughts without even considering him until the very end. If he made that decision, surely when returning to Steve changed, Steve would accept him. But their lives would surely change. Would Steve lose attraction to him even if he loved him regardless? Adrien knew it was selfish to want everything, but Adrien loved being able to bring Steve bliss. Adrien had never had a partner that wasn't attracted to him to an inordinate degree; he was used to being considered marvelously beautiful, and didn't plan to give it up. It was nice to have a partner that didn't want him to craft himself to their taste - more nice than Adrien could have guessed, since being what his past lovers had desired - even, no, especially Adrian - had given him so much pleasure in the past. He didn't think he wanted to give it up or have Steve start dictating. But...
Yes, he truly believed Steve would accept him as a boy. Possibly even continue to make love to him. But would he enjoy it? Would he regret it and never express that regret because he was so darn good? Possibly too. No, it was too frustrating.
Ah, Adrien had arrived at the destination. Time to drop the inner monologue.
She hopped off the scooter, folded it up, and slipped her backpack off her slim shoulder easily, put it inside, zipped it up. Shrugging it back up again, and unzipping her jacket a lil bit, she headed into the outdoor cafe.
She could see Steve from behind, all close-cropped golden hair and the nape of his neck and broad, broad shoulders, bent over, probably drawing something in a sketchbook. The greatest thing she had come to love about being a woman was not always personal, and in many ways it was the simple blessing of being able to do quite arbitrarily romantic things without any kind of bother. Even the worst PDA received a shrug and avoidance whereas even a hint of homosexuality could get you in loads of trouble. After a long, long time of secrecy, with men entirely too concerned with their reputations - oh, Adrian had been quite terrible and frightening for a long time of that relationship, until November - Adrien relished being able to do what she was about to now.
She came up behind Steve, touching his shoulder warmly and bending to kiss him on the neck, and then, when he looked up, looped her leg over his waist and straddled him - feet dangling - leaning in to give him a kiss.
Sure, she could have kissed him and then sat down in the opposite chair, but heterosexuality had a great many advantages and being obnoxious and throwing your relationship in everybody's faces was the best one.