Post by Megan on Nov 28, 2016 16:54:38 GMT -5
It had been several hours since she had melted down in front of Nina and Megan's eyes were hurting.
Despite having washed her face, redone her makeup, and had a not entirely unpleasant breakfast, during which she had managed to perform an admirable impression of a functional human being, she still felt like hell, a feeling only slightly tempered by the knowledge that she deserved it.
Okay, so Nina Fortner was... frustratingly perfect, but that wasn't her fault.
"As opposed to I," Megan said out loud, in time with her words as she wrote in her journal, "who have been a..."
She paused, trying to think of an appropriately invective term.
"...an abominable cunt..."
She had no idea how Nina would react to her after this, but being completely honest about her own behavior felt like good prep for what was inevitably coming.
"She probably hates me," she continued as she wrote, "but I deserve it, so that's something I'm just going to have to deal with."
Putting it down on paper made it sound less like a spiral of shame and self-directed anger and more like a productive assessment of her own faults, especially after her initial responeed.
I guess it's true that sometimes you have to hit rock bottom before you can pull yourself back up? Which is better than actually hitting rocks at the bottom of a cliff, which is what I almost did, HA HA.
She underlined the HA HA twice for emphasis. Just because she didn't want to luxuriate in her self-disgust didn't mean she wanted to ignore it altogether.
If I ever tell Adrian about this, WHICH I PROBABLY WON'T, I'm going to tell him he needs to put a fence on that cliff because I was REALLY close to doing it.
But I didn't, and that's the important thing, right? It wouldn't've solved anything. And I would have gone out weak.
('Weak' got an underline too.)
She closed the book and looked out over the ocean, sighing, before she abruptly opened it again and added, as though she were being watched:
Not that it's a failing or anything.
Megan closed the book and leaned back with a groan. She had a lot she had to fix.
Despite having washed her face, redone her makeup, and had a not entirely unpleasant breakfast, during which she had managed to perform an admirable impression of a functional human being, she still felt like hell, a feeling only slightly tempered by the knowledge that she deserved it.
Okay, so Nina Fortner was... frustratingly perfect, but that wasn't her fault.
"As opposed to I," Megan said out loud, in time with her words as she wrote in her journal, "who have been a..."
She paused, trying to think of an appropriately invective term.
"...an abominable cunt..."
She had no idea how Nina would react to her after this, but being completely honest about her own behavior felt like good prep for what was inevitably coming.
"She probably hates me," she continued as she wrote, "but I deserve it, so that's something I'm just going to have to deal with."
Putting it down on paper made it sound less like a spiral of shame and self-directed anger and more like a productive assessment of her own faults, especially after her initial responeed.
I guess it's true that sometimes you have to hit rock bottom before you can pull yourself back up? Which is better than actually hitting rocks at the bottom of a cliff, which is what I almost did, HA HA.
She underlined the HA HA twice for emphasis. Just because she didn't want to luxuriate in her self-disgust didn't mean she wanted to ignore it altogether.
If I ever tell Adrian about this, WHICH I PROBABLY WON'T, I'm going to tell him he needs to put a fence on that cliff because I was REALLY close to doing it.
But I didn't, and that's the important thing, right? It wouldn't've solved anything. And I would have gone out weak.
('Weak' got an underline too.)
She closed the book and looked out over the ocean, sighing, before she abruptly opened it again and added, as though she were being watched:
Not that it's a failing or anything.
Megan closed the book and leaned back with a groan. She had a lot she had to fix.