arme prinzessin!
Feb 28, 2016 19:48:54 GMT -5
Post by Teja on Feb 28, 2016 19:48:54 GMT -5
Two weeks away from the fear of running into Graf von Krolock had eased Teja's mind considerably; though it could not erase the memory of him, it dimmed it, both its horrors and its pleasures, too. They haunted her in bits and pieces of dream. It seemed only now, when she had settled into a beautiful harmony with a newly-confident Loki (who signed autographs every time they went out and had taken to wearing partially open shirts or rolled-up sleeves with disarming elegance, even around his brother's friends) and Adrian Veidt who was even now ardently hoping to introduce her and his other partner, did she realize with complete unconfused frankness that she found Johannes attractive, even desirable. For a long time he had been handsome but too unnerving to evoke anything but polite curiosity on the conscious level; now that he had actually hurt her, even though she couldn't always remember why she had the right to call it that, she could bitterly reflect on the fact that she'd felt an undercurrent of attraction to him from the start. Sometimes it was a too-chipper resentful thought in her mind as she got coffee with Adrian: You could have had this with me, Johannes, if you'd wanted it! Other times she came out of the bathroom drying her hair with an almost pain-tinged wistfulness as she thought about the time they'd had intercourse, and how, but for a few memories, it could have been wonderful. If he had not been sharp and manipulative and distant as he ordered her upstairs with him but displayed no tenderness, as he delivered the offer of sex as an ultimatum, if he had not thrust the stake into her hands and upset her, if he had stopped when he noticed her discomfort and waited until she was ready, or offered to stop entirely and taken her back downstairs, if he had not fed on her... But those memories crowded out the strangely sweet ones until she felt ready to be sick.
Her guilt was evolving, too, but it was not dissipating, and that she had very much hoped would leave her in California. Initially it had been an ever-present migraine making her fitful and weepy in spurts, but now it was fading into a nausea. But she saw it ever more clearly.
If she had been so truly afraid of him, she should have brought Loki with her, but Loki could have waited outside while she sat down with Johannes and spoke to him about it.
Johannes shouldn't have been allowed a choice between hurting her and not hurting her, but that didn't mean she should have deprived him of a conversation.
She knew that he was terrible, evil and cruel; vampires don't live centuries by being nice people. He had offered up more information than she'd have believed he might to verify this himself. But all the same, and all the same... she could not blame Johannes if the mockery and humiliation of being avoided because he was nothing more than a monster made him feel there was no use in hiding that he was one.
She wouldn't be responsible for his actions, she promised herself. But she... she owed him an apology. Even if he owed her one too and was not likely to give it, that didn't mean that she had to be petty and unkind.
He deserved to know the blame was hers. And she didn't think he'd hurt her, not really, whether he loved her or was indifferent to her, she didn't think he'd hurt her.
But how could she tell Adrian? Or Loki, Loki, especially him, Loki who had turned all his monstrousness about for and because of her in the first place? She couldn't expect them to understand that Johannes deserved to be treated like a human even if he wouldn't behave like one. They both held themselves so accountable for their own wrong actions, they might even be... disgusted with her if they knew her own morals slipped in any way towards anyone else. No, she had to go alone, and trust that he wouldn't harm her. Maybe she could even persuade him outside. He would have to understand why she feared him now, at least. She had that on her side.
The summer was ending, and the weather was finally becoming cool. Teja chose her clothes with very precise care for this conversation; she couldn't be accused of leading him on, but it was still too warm for some kind of prim turtleneck. She chose a dreamy pink dress with a lightweight, floaty chiffon-type of fabric and a collar that ended at the neck with a ruffle. It was a little too romantic, but she would rather evoke romantic feelings in him she couldn't return than project harshness and perhaps receive it in return. It covered her body, though, enough to make her feel comfortable. It was nearing 2 pm, which was later than she wanted it to be, when she took a breath and rang his doorbell, here, on the porch where she'd hoped to never be again.
Her guilt was evolving, too, but it was not dissipating, and that she had very much hoped would leave her in California. Initially it had been an ever-present migraine making her fitful and weepy in spurts, but now it was fading into a nausea. But she saw it ever more clearly.
If she had been so truly afraid of him, she should have brought Loki with her, but Loki could have waited outside while she sat down with Johannes and spoke to him about it.
Johannes shouldn't have been allowed a choice between hurting her and not hurting her, but that didn't mean she should have deprived him of a conversation.
She knew that he was terrible, evil and cruel; vampires don't live centuries by being nice people. He had offered up more information than she'd have believed he might to verify this himself. But all the same, and all the same... she could not blame Johannes if the mockery and humiliation of being avoided because he was nothing more than a monster made him feel there was no use in hiding that he was one.
She wouldn't be responsible for his actions, she promised herself. But she... she owed him an apology. Even if he owed her one too and was not likely to give it, that didn't mean that she had to be petty and unkind.
He deserved to know the blame was hers. And she didn't think he'd hurt her, not really, whether he loved her or was indifferent to her, she didn't think he'd hurt her.
But how could she tell Adrian? Or Loki, Loki, especially him, Loki who had turned all his monstrousness about for and because of her in the first place? She couldn't expect them to understand that Johannes deserved to be treated like a human even if he wouldn't behave like one. They both held themselves so accountable for their own wrong actions, they might even be... disgusted with her if they knew her own morals slipped in any way towards anyone else. No, she had to go alone, and trust that he wouldn't harm her. Maybe she could even persuade him outside. He would have to understand why she feared him now, at least. She had that on her side.
The summer was ending, and the weather was finally becoming cool. Teja chose her clothes with very precise care for this conversation; she couldn't be accused of leading him on, but it was still too warm for some kind of prim turtleneck. She chose a dreamy pink dress with a lightweight, floaty chiffon-type of fabric and a collar that ended at the neck with a ruffle. It was a little too romantic, but she would rather evoke romantic feelings in him she couldn't return than project harshness and perhaps receive it in return. It covered her body, though, enough to make her feel comfortable. It was nearing 2 pm, which was later than she wanted it to be, when she took a breath and rang his doorbell, here, on the porch where she'd hoped to never be again.