László's Journal
Dec 3, 2010 4:37:00 GMT -5
Post by László on Dec 3, 2010 4:37:00 GMT -5
((All entires are in Hungarian))
...I don't even know why I'm doing this. I guess out of boredom? Until I can really get my life moving I won't have much to do, and there's only so much reading before I run out of books that are in a language I understand. I know John is trying to give me things to do, but most everything's been caught up on around here so we're basically just...waiting.
I still don't know how to feel about any of this. On one hand, I don't think anyone will ever know just how grateful I am for what's been done for me. I know that at least John knows what sort of life I've had, but...he doesn't know everything, and sometimes I wish he did so there was at least one person who knows, but then, I feel too afraid to tell him. Oh, I'm sure he's figured some things out--how can he not?--but other things...
What would he think of me then, I wonder?
I don't even know what I'm saying. Hell, a year ago if anyone had said that I would actually have a HOME and FRIENDS I'd have laughed at them called them crazy. Sometimes I think I am crazy, and that I'm just dreaming everything and one day I'll wake up and find out that none of this was real.
That would hurt so much...like nothing else has.
That's the other thing: I...have people that care. They worry about me and encourage me and all of those things that I'd been without for most of my life. It's wonderful, it really truly is--and I care about them, too. I never thought I had anyone that I would care so much about. I might not be comfy around kids, but I'd be worried if Hazel disappeared or Marie got hurt. And John--
I don't know how to feel. I...everything gets mixed up in my head and it feels like I can't breathe when I think about him. I don't know what that means, I've never reacted this way to someone before. It scares me. At the same time, I don't want it to go away. How should I think? I really am not sure. There wasn't much time for thinking, out on the streets. You just moved on autopilot and if you had any thoughts, you kept them off the heavy stuff as that only hurt or made you insane. Hide what you feel, pretend you feel nothing, just play sweet and tilt your head just so and pitch your voice just so.
What was that saying....just think of England?
I don't where I was going with this and holy shit, I've gone on too long. Well...maybe I'll pick this up again, maybe I won't.
...I don't even know why I'm doing this. I guess out of boredom? Until I can really get my life moving I won't have much to do, and there's only so much reading before I run out of books that are in a language I understand. I know John is trying to give me things to do, but most everything's been caught up on around here so we're basically just...waiting.
I still don't know how to feel about any of this. On one hand, I don't think anyone will ever know just how grateful I am for what's been done for me. I know that at least John knows what sort of life I've had, but...he doesn't know everything, and sometimes I wish he did so there was at least one person who knows, but then, I feel too afraid to tell him. Oh, I'm sure he's figured some things out--how can he not?--but other things...
What would he think of me then, I wonder?
I don't even know what I'm saying. Hell, a year ago if anyone had said that I would actually have a HOME and FRIENDS I'd have laughed at them called them crazy. Sometimes I think I am crazy, and that I'm just dreaming everything and one day I'll wake up and find out that none of this was real.
That would hurt so much...like nothing else has.
That's the other thing: I...have people that care. They worry about me and encourage me and all of those things that I'd been without for most of my life. It's wonderful, it really truly is--and I care about them, too. I never thought I had anyone that I would care so much about. I might not be comfy around kids, but I'd be worried if Hazel disappeared or Marie got hurt. And John--
I don't know how to feel. I...everything gets mixed up in my head and it feels like I can't breathe when I think about him. I don't know what that means, I've never reacted this way to someone before. It scares me. At the same time, I don't want it to go away. How should I think? I really am not sure. There wasn't much time for thinking, out on the streets. You just moved on autopilot and if you had any thoughts, you kept them off the heavy stuff as that only hurt or made you insane. Hide what you feel, pretend you feel nothing, just play sweet and tilt your head just so and pitch your voice just so.
What was that saying....just think of England?
I don't where I was going with this and holy shit, I've gone on too long. Well...maybe I'll pick this up again, maybe I won't.