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Post by Adrien Baillon on Aug 20, 2009 19:23:48 GMT -5
Adrien felt terrible.
Again.
"I'm sorry," he whispered. "I don't want anything from you, I mean, I know that you can't..." He trailed off and bit his lip and mouthed the apology again, looking very crestfallen. Not because Veidt did not love him back - it wouldn't have occurred to him to want that, just like he'd never begun to imagine himself at Karnak. But that Veidt should feel obligated to... "You should know I don't expect you to - "
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Post by Adrian Veidt on Aug 20, 2009 19:27:43 GMT -5
"You know I like you, Adrien. Very much, in fact. It is people like you that make this world worth preserving."
He ran a hand back through Adrien's hair to reassure him, accidentally-on-purpose mussing it out of the reflection of his own hair that it had become.
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Post by Adrien Baillon on Aug 20, 2009 19:29:18 GMT -5
Adrien shook his head as though trying to shake his hair partially back into place without thinking, almost insistently, but he bit his lip again. "I'm so sorry," he blurted. "It just came out, I wasn't... I shouldn't have said..."
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Post by Adrian Veidt on Aug 20, 2009 19:32:11 GMT -5
"Adrien, be still."
He put his hands on the younger man's shoulders to hold him.
"Adrien, you owe me no apologies. It is I that should be telling you how sorry I am- please understand that it is not just you-"
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Post by Adrien Baillon on Aug 20, 2009 19:44:10 GMT -5
Adrien tried to stay quiet. It had occurred to him suddenly, horribly, how much he stood to lose if this was awkward for Veidt.
He wanted to repeat that he loved him, as he watched him speak, infinitely soothing even though everything he said stuck into Adrien's chest like a needle into a pincushion, and held his tongue. "It's all right," he said, his turn trying to soothe, seeming almost very mature, hands in his lap. Very resigned. He wanted to comfort Veidt somehow. "Don't be sorry - it's all right."
All the while, he was remembering a long-ago conversation that in some ways was similar to this one. He'd once been in love, like a fool, with Roger Marchetti, and had told him so. He'd had more time to think about that, and had told him at what he'd thought was a good time, when Marchetti had been in a good mood, a fond mood, that he loved him.
Marchetti had frozen, and given him an odd look. And then the look had gotten cruel and harsh. He didn't even remember all that he'd said, something ending with... "And who are you, Adrien?" And the simple answer to the question - "You're just a stupid kid."
"I'm your stupid kid," Adrien had replied very quietly, voice soft, almost hoarse, his own swallow seeming so audible to him. Marchetti had sneered at him.
"Oh, lucky me, right? That's what everyone wants, Lord knows."
He'd left moments afterwards, told Adrien to get the door for him, which Adrien had done. As soon as he'd quietly closed it, he'd leaned on it and started to cry. He'd stopped himself, after a matter of minutes, very abruptly gaining control of himself. And after that he'd heard the sound of footsteps. He should have known, of course. Of course Marchetti would want to know how long he was willing to cry over him, displeased with the answer, should have known that even though it was never brought up again, Marchetti was going to remind him of it...
It had been a long time before thinking about this didn't hurt Adrien, but thinking of it now he was almost calm. This memory was the reason why, when he looked at Adrien, there was nothing desperate in him anymore, and nothing bitter in the smile that he gave him, very sincerely. Very resigned.
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Post by Adrian Veidt on Aug 20, 2009 19:47:31 GMT -5
The look on Adrien's face was like being shot at all over again, and Adrian Veidt, the master of concealing how he felt and what he allowed his face to show, looked utterly horrified.
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Post by Adrien Baillon on Aug 20, 2009 19:51:01 GMT -5
Adrien's expression turned into one of worry and he hugged Veidt as though reassuring a child. "No, it's all right, don't think about it," he said gently; "we don't have to talk about this."
He pulled back and was still smiling, and let go of him. Without thinking, he glanced over as though going to go make tea, and then looked almost floored before he recalled that this was Karnak, not his two-room living circumstances, and the kitchen was not right over there.
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Post by Adrian Veidt on Aug 20, 2009 19:53:26 GMT -5
"Adrien," he said finally, "I cannot love you. I enjoy your company, I think you are intelligent and good-looking and above all innocent, but I cannot love you, and it is not because of you."
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Post by Adrien Baillon on Aug 20, 2009 19:59:15 GMT -5
It was, rather abruptly, Adrien's turn to look horrified and startled.
"Oh, God," Adrien managed, sounding suddenly very choked and near tears, "oh, no, Adrian, you don't even know me."
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Post by Adrian Veidt on Aug 20, 2009 20:00:06 GMT -5
"Even if I did," he said, very seriously.
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Post by Adrien Baillon on Aug 20, 2009 20:01:53 GMT -5
He shook his head, still startled, and a little bit teary, and stood up.
"I would never expect you to," he said, still partially missing his point, because, of course, Veidt couldn't; that was the point. "I would never ask you for it."
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Post by Adrian Veidt on Aug 20, 2009 20:05:19 GMT -5
"It is not who you are, it is-"
He stopped himself very suddenly. This whole rampant emotions thing was deeply unpleasant.
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Post by Adrien Baillon on Aug 20, 2009 20:13:23 GMT -5
Adrien shook his head, very violently near tears. "But you don't know who I am - "
He stopped abruptly, forcing himself under control. "Is there a kitchen?" he asked suddenly, looking over at him, very aggressively calm. "I'm going to go find one and make tea. Would you like some?"
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Post by Adrian Veidt on Aug 20, 2009 20:16:42 GMT -5
"If you want some, I can have it brought to us. You shouldn't be seen in this condition."
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Post by Adrien Baillon on Aug 20, 2009 20:18:06 GMT -5
Adrien looked rather affronted, and then very tired. "Yeah, all right. I'm sorry, I just - like to make it." He glanced down, feeling exhausted.
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